The mental health field continues to pathologize asexuality, and so too does the general public. This needs to change. Collectively, we need to work through our need for people to be sexual, allow people to exist as they are, and destigmatize asexuality.
Scroll through for some ideas to get you started…
Something that you may not know, is that asexuality is a spectrum. Several different presentations exist under the ace umbrella, with differing language and labels to match each unique experience. The piece that unifies people that find themselves identifying under the ace umbrella is the lack of a consistent allosexual experience … in simpler words, the lack of a consistent desire for or interest in partnered sex.
Why all of the labels? When people hear “asexual”, they tend to jump to conclusions. Some people who exist under the ace umbrella DO experience sexual attraction and/or desire, just under very specific circumstances. Likewise, if people don’t hear a label like asexual or demisexual for example, they tend to jump to the conclusion that sexual attraction and desire are a given. For many people under the ace umbrella, using a label not only describes and validates their experience, but it provides information to others in a way that aims to prevent some of these unhelpful assumptions.
Feeling overwhelmed by all of the labels? That’s OK! Whether you are ace or demi or grayace or even allosexual for that matter, it isn’t necessary to get caught up in memorizing definitions or finding the perfect language to match your experience. Besides, our sexuality is fluid and can shift and change over time, so one label may not match your experience forever.
Instead, focus on using labels to broaden your understanding of your own sexual experience or that of others. When people give you one of their labels, get curious and ask some follow up questions to discern what that label means to them.
Curiosity over certainty!
What assumptions do you make when someone tells you they are asexual? How about demisexual?
Although labels can be helpful when we are initially trying to better understand our identities or those of others, they can be limiting, and can contribute to misunderstandings.
Usually when we hear a label our brains jump to rapid conclusions, attempting to decode the language and make meaning of it. The impulse does not always have malicious intent, rather it’s an automatic response in effort to better understand someone. The problem is, our rapid conclusions are not always accurate.
Asexual does not necessarily indicate the absence of a sexual drive. It also doesn’t necessarily mean the person using that label never engages in partnered sex, nor does it mean they never masturbate or derive pleasure from sexual stimulation.
Demisexual might not mean that the person just needs to “get to know you” and then they will become sexually interested. Nor does it necessarily mean a lot of time is needed to build an emotional connection before sex becomes an option.
Is your mind blown? Awesome. Keep reading!
From the book “Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex” by Angela Chen (2020)
Another food analogy, this time from Eris Young’s Ace Voices (2022) -
“In a world where almost everybody wants pizza
(each one a different kind of pizza, but still pizza) I do not have any desire to eat pizza. This doesn’t mean I cannot eat pizza, or that if I try it I wouldn’t like it,
but still I never experience the desire to eat pizza.”
Asexuality is nuanced, and may present differently for each person. Sexual attraction, desire, and drive do not necessarily go hand in hand. The absence of one does not necessarily indicate the absence of another, just like the presence of one doesn’t indicate a co-occurring presence of the others.
To better understand asexuality (and sexuality in general) work to dismantle your all-or-nothing thinking around it and learn to view it instead as a layered spectrum of potential experiences.
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